


Hitchhiker’s Guide to R&D

by loveisgravity



Category: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams, Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: F/F, Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 07:51:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17618444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveisgravity/pseuds/loveisgravity
Summary: My apologies to Douglas Adams, this is basically bastardized plagiarism.  It’s based on the book, not the movie, and grew from a Twitter prompt.





	Hitchhiker’s Guide to R&D

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BaggerHeda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BaggerHeda/gifts), [DarkWiccan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkWiccan/gifts), [DreadPirateBrown](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreadPirateBrown/gifts).



This story begins with a door. Not a large door, or even a particularly beautiful door, but it was the front door to Nicole’s house and that was why Jeremy was running up to the porch. He needed to knock on it.

Jeremy quickly crossed the the long, wooden landing and pounded on the door. He rocked back and forth on his feet and fidgeted with his hands. Through the door’s small window, he could see Nicole approach and unlock it. 

He chewed the inside of his cheek. He was anxious because he had something important to tell her. Something vital. And he had to tell her now. 

“Come with me, if you want to live.” He held out his hand to Nicole when the door was open. 

This wasn’t what he needed to tell her. This was a stupid line from the Terminator movies.

Nicole smacked the hand away. “What the hell, dude?” She blocked the threshold of her small house by crossing her arms and leaning on the frame. 

“No, seriously. I need you to come with me. It’s really important.” His voice took on its normal, worried tone. “It’s actually life and death important.” He clarified. 

Nicole stared at him, confused, and shook her head. 

“Ok fine, will you at least join me for a drink?” He gave her a half wince/ half smile. When Nicole didn’t agree, he clasped his hands to plead.

“Jeremy, there’s a Buffy marathon going on and it’s my first day off in a week…”

Jeremy pushed his way past a shocked Nicole and headed straight down the shotgun hallway to her bedroom.

“Excuse me!” Yelled Nicole as she followed her friend through her house. When she caught up to him, he was already sifting through her closet.

“Where’s your dress?” Came Jeremy’s muffled voice. He was using his head to prop back Nicole’s clothing as he searched the back of the closet. 

“I don’t have a dress.” Insisted Nicole.

“Of course you do.” Jeremy pulled his head out. His hair was sticking up from static cling. “What about that purple thing you wore last October.” 

“That was a Halloween costume. I was Greta Garbo.” Then as an aside, she said, “I’m never doing that again.” Nicole folded her arms across her chest. “Anyway, I gave it away. What is this about?”

“Shit.” He muttered under his breath. “Are you sure you don’t have a dress? How about a muumuu?” He asked hopefully.

The look that Nicole gave him would have set Jeremy’s ass on fire, if he hadn’t been wearing flame retardant underwear. 

Because Nicole had no idea that Jeremy wasn’t the “overworked programmer” he claimed to be, but was actually an intergalactic intelligence officer for the BBD, an R&D wing of the Imperial Galactic Government. He was tasked with collecting knowledge from planets around the galaxy when he ended up on Earth. 

Additionally, Nicole had no idea that as a result of his misspent youth tinkering with his genetic code, Jeremy also had insanely incendiary butt hair. 

Jeremy rubbed his ass and came at the problem from a different angle. “Look, it’s really important that you find a dress and come with me.” Then added, “Right Now,” for emphasis. 

“Please don’t tell me it’s Harrison Ford night at the Tool Box again.” Nicole rolled her eyes and left the bedroom. 

Jeremy, exasperated, grabbed the first thing that looked remotely dress-like and hurried from the room behind Nicole. 

When he joined her in the living room, he looked down to see what he grabbed. It was a long, black jacket from Nicole’s Keanu Reeves phase. 

“Hey,” she frowned and pointed at Jeremy, “what are you doing with my Matrix costume?” 

“Oh, so you keep this costume…” but he let the argument drop. There wasn’t any time. Instead, he hooked his arm in Nicole’s and dragged her from her home. 

As Jeremy forced Nicole down her front steps and onto the sidewalk, Nicole couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of him. The tiny man pushing the taller woman down the block reminded her of a toddler trying to make a parent walk faster to the playground. 

“Fine.” Nicole relented. “Where are we going anyway?” She asked. 

Just then Jeremy pushed her out into the middle of the road. A small, red Tesla Roadster sped toward them fast enough that she knew it didn’t have time to stop. Nicole dropped down into a fetal position and braced for impact.

Only there wasn’t any impact. Nicole tentatively opened one eye to look around. She was curled up in a tight ball on the passenger side seat of the Tesla. And Jeremy was driving next to her. He looked over and gave her a sheepish grin. 

“Sorry, but I really didn’t want to miss my ride.” 

“Jeremy?” She was still curled in a ball. Her heart decided it was ok to start beating again.

“Oh, and you’ll want to fasten your seat belt.” He said apologetically.

“WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK?” Nicole screamed, pulling her knees even tighter to her chest.

“Or don’t.” He added quietly.

“JEREMY!” She commanded.

“Ok! What would you say if I told you I wasn’t from Alberta, but actually from a planet spelled S-E-G-A.”

“Sega?” Nicole asked in disbelief.

“Actually, we pronounce it George. But anyway, my job is to travel from planet to planet looking for signs of intelligence, then I stop by, collect what they have, and try to sell off some of ours, before moving on. Unfortunately, I steered too close to Earth and got pulled in by the gravitational field and crashed.”

“You were here collecting intelligence from us?” Nicole asked as she started to unwind her body, sitting up in the bucket seat. The interior of the car was dark and quite chilly.

“Oh God no. You’re way too primitive. The only thing you’ve done right is this.” He gestured at the car. “I was able to take it and fashion a rudimentary space craft out of it. Elon Musk really knows what he’s doing. It wouldn’t surprise me if he isn’t part Hooloovoo, he’s so pale.” Then under his breath he said, “thank goodness I could get enough signal for Pinterest Nebula or I’d still be stuck.”

“Stuck?” Asked Nicole. Then she looked out the passenger side window and realized that they weren’t heavily tinted as she first thought, but were actually dark because they were speeding away from Planet Earth.

She choked down a breath of air. “Jeremy?” She asked in a quavering voice. “What’s going on?”

“The Earth is going to pot, so I’m rescuing you. There’s no way it will be habitable in fifteen years, I’ve seen it before. A bottom-dweller species like yourself gets a little technology, a giant God-complex, and BOOM, end of planet.” He shook his head. “It’s really a shame. You’re better looking than most of them.” 

“So why are you taking me?” Nicole was white-knuckling the Oh-Shit handle. 

“Because you were nice.” 

 

They cruised in silence. Nicole was silent because she realized that her mind was in serious need of a reboot, and Jeremy because he was dreading going home. It was hard to tell how long they were silent because Space-Time has a funny way of dripping like molasses. You couldn’t be sure if it was the molasses that was slow, or the Space-Time. Eventually, they approached a flying shipping container that looked as homey as a minivan. That said, it in no way resembled the Winnebago from Spaceballs because that would be intellectual property infringement. 

“What’s that?” Nicole asked, pointing at the space ship looming in front of them.

“My home-port. I was supposed to check in three years ago; I just hope my boss isn’t too pissed. Or notices the car. She’s definitely going to ground me.”

Jeremy slowly pulled the Tesla into the back of the port and set it to park. What had been an RV sized ship on the outside was now, with the magic of story-telling, an expansive garage on the inside. “Be careful getting out, our pseudo-gravitational force takes a little getting used to.”

Nicole opened the car door and spilled onto the floor the way helium balloons don’t. “Fuck.” She winced and looked up. Standing before her were two black-boot clad feet. As she looked further up the body, Nicole saw that the feet were attached to a slender woman with long, black hair and an even longer, black gun.

The woman pointed the gun at Jeremy with a maniacal grin on her face. “Jeremy, one of these days, you’re going to step out of your space pod and I’m going to be there waiting…”

“Aren’t you here waiting right now?” Jeremy stammered, then ran around the car, grabbed Nicole by the wrist, and dragged her up. “This is a human, from Planet Earth; I rescued her.” He gave Wynonna a boyish grin.

“More like kidnapped me.” Nicole murmured, as she dusted herself off.

“Her name is Nicole. And Nicole, this is my boss, Wynonna. Wynonna Earp.” 

“We’ve met.” Nicole said resolutely.

“What?”  
“What?”  
“What?”

The three looked at each other in confusion, then Nicole jumped in again.

“We’ve met. Haven’t we, Wynonna Earp.” Nicole said, accusingly. “Or should I say: Barb.” 

Jeremy’s jaw dropped to the floor. Literally. It was another unfortunate side effect of his genetic experimentation. He quickly bent down to pick it up. “WHAT?” He screamed, once his mouth was back in place.

“I don’t think so.” Laughed Wynonna, waving off Nicole.

“It was at a Halloween party.”

“I don’t go to Halloween parties,” scoffed Wynonna, then quickly added, “And what even IS a Halloween party? They sound really lame.”

“It was in Canada. Purgatory. Shorty’s Bar.”

“Wait,” interrupted Jeremy. “You were on Earth and you didn’t tell me?” He squeaked out in frustration at Wynonna. “I was stuck there for three years.” He said through his clenched jaw; he was holding onto it just in case.

“It was a silly Halloween party.” Nicole continued, ignoring Jeremy. “And there was this girl. Boy, she was something: beautiful, funny, devastatingly intelligent. I was trying to catch her eye all evening, and when I finally got her alone in a booth, this one came up and said: ‘is she bothering you, babygirl?’ Then she shoved me back and told me to keep my grubby hands off her sister.” Nicole crossed her arms in finality. 

“But,” came a soft voice from behind them. “You must admit, she was my sister. Well, half-sister. I’m Earp-ish.” 

Nicole turned around and her eyes opened so wide, that if she had been Jeremy, they would have fallen out. (Bluetooth eye upgrades really weren’t that practical.) Standing before her was Waverly, the cute girl from the Halloween party. Nicole‘s mouth gaped.

During the silence, Wynonna leaned in next to Jeremy. “I can’t believe you brought home a pet.” 

 

“So what’s going on with the Earth, anyway? Why the make-shift escape hatch?” Wynonna pointed at the Tesla. 

Jeremy raised both his hands in the air. “It was as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror… and were suddenly silenced…” 

“OH NO!” Wynonna pointed her finger at him. “This story is convoluted enough without you bringing Star Wars into it.” 

“Sorry,” he said, blushing. “I just really like that movie. They got absolutely nothing right about space travel.” He giggled to himself. Wynonna cleared her throat and waited. “They’re ruining the planet, and everywhere, the whole species seems hell bent on putting the craziest people into power. I’ve seen it before. The death-knell of society.” He shook his head, sadly.

Wynonna nodded and slung her gun over her shoulder. “Fine. She can stay as long as she’s useful.” She started to walk away, then came to a sudden stop and turned to face Waverly. “And I don’t mean for you.” 

Waverly was already standing next to Nicole, who was still trying to process what was going on. Waverly gave her some time to recover.

Nicole felt a warm hand take one of hers. She looked down and saw that instead of two arms, Waverly had three. And the third hand was busily intertwining their fingers. She smiled up at Nicole. 

Nicole jumped back, but with their hands attached, she didn’t get far. “Waverly! You have three hands!” Nicole finally found her voice. 

Waverly’s smile fell a bit. 

“There are three of them.” Nicole pointed down with her only other hand. 

“You’re so observant.” Waverly said, mockingly.

“THREE!”

“Don’t Panic” yelled Waverly.

“Oh, very helpful. You should put that on a book.” Nicole said, sarcastically. “But seriously, you didn’t have three hands before!” she continued. 

“Honey, yes I did. You just didn’t see it.”

“Where?”

Waverly patted Nicole on the shoulder with another hand. “It was tucked up.”

Nicole shook her head. “I thought your breasts looked big…” 

 

The expansive garage ended at a glass door. Beyond that appeared to be the bridge of the ship that absolutely didn’t look like the one on Star Trek. Nicole followed Waverly toward the bridge. She had to, they were still holding hands. Jeremy came up the rear. The sliding door whined in complaint, clearly unhappy with its lot in life. 

As the three stepped through the doorway, Nicole tried to ask as nonchalantly as possible. “So. You have three arms?”

“I’m half angel. Well, it’s really more of a Ganesh thing, but without the elephant’s trunk.”

“You mean, like Shiva?” Nicole asked with a knowing grin.

“Nobody likes a smart ass.” Waverly said flatly. 

“Alright kiddos,” Wynonna spoke up. “Jeremy, congratulations on the perfect timing. I have found a new supply of Bentrin. And the rumor between space ports is that there’s a ton of it. Maybe even hundreds of pieces.”

“No way.” Said Jeremy, his eyes went wide in shock. He braced them with his fingers in case the space ship lurched forward.

“Bentrin?” Asked Nicole.

“It’s only the perfect piece of technology.” Said Wynonna, dismissively. 

“Like a computer chip?” Nicole tried to clarify.

Waverly leaned against her shoulder and squeezed Nicole’s hand. “It’s actually way more than a simple technology. It’s perfectly synthesized to sustain life, act as a glue, power a space ship, explode under controlled circumstances; it can even be used as a medicine.” Then she looked off into the distance wistfully. “And it smells nice.”

“Sounds pretty awesome. So where is it?” Asked Nicole.

“How do you feel about climbing?” Asked Wynonna.

“Oh I’d say I’m your girl.” Nicole nodded confidently. “I’ve been climbing all over the U.S. and Canada.”

“That means nothing to me.” Wynonna turned Jeremy. “Can she climb?”

“Yeah, that shouldn’t be a problem.” He agreed.

Nicole rolled her eyes. 

“Ok, before we head out, does everyone have their dress?” Wynonna asked. She bent down to check her bag by the captain’s chair.

“What is so important about having a dress?” Nicole asked in irritation.

Wynonna stood up and faced Jeremy. “Did you have to bring a stupid one?” She walked away shaking her head.

Jeremy turned to Nicole. “Dresses are the most important piece of clothing you can ever have. It can get you out of trouble if it’s raining on Vogsphere; it can act as a parachute if you tie up the arm and head holes; two children can climb one on top of the other and pretend to be an adult; and if a Vogon sees you in a dress, it assumes you’re more important than they are, and they’ll leave you alone. There are so many different uses for a dress. You can even wear it to fancy dinner parties, if you get invited to those sorts of things.” Jeremy tossed Nicole her long, black jacket. He rummaged in his backpack and pulled out a teal green, frilly dress. “I like this one.” Then added, “my mom made it for me.”

“If you want, I’ll show you mine.” Waverly said breathily, squeezing her hand.

Nicole gulped. She was in way over her head.

 

When they got to Vogsphere and Wynonna parked the space van, the crew put their dresses in Jeremy’s bag and prepared to exit the vehicle. From Nicole’s window, she could see a tall cliff face looming over the ship.

“Alright, we start with the climb, and if we avoid the Vogons, the Bentrin should be close by. Easy in and out. Nobody’s the wiser. Got it?” Asked Wynonna. She pointed at Jeremy. He quickly nodded his head.

“Do we need any harnesses or ropes?” Nicole asked, since nobody was making any moves to prepare for the climb.

“I thought you said she can climb?” Wynonna jabbed Jeremy in the chest. 

“I did… she can…” he leaned over to look at Nicole. “Right?”

“Of course I can climb, but I still need the right equipment.” Nicole was getting pissed. 

“Pets!” Wynonna yelled out, throwing her hands in the air. She stomped off to the back door. 

“I believe her.” Waverly said, but it did little to assuage Nicole. 

 

Vogsphere looked suspiciously Earth-like up close. The ground was mostly dirt-like and the cliff was made up of sedimentary type rocks. The trees at the base of the cliff were vaguely woodish, and the plants looked as though their designer had earned a C in organic chemistry. 

Once they were all out of the vehicle, they followed the rock wall around a bend, and before them stood a giant ladder running the entire way up the cliff. 

“Wait, THAT’S the climb?” Nicole asked in disbelief. 

“What did you think we were going to do? Crawl up the rock like a bug?” Wynonna asked.

“But that’s a ladder!” She yelled.

“Jeremy, take care of your pet.” Said Wynonna.

“You didn’t think I could climb a ladder?” Nicole pointed an accusatory finger at Wynonna.

“Well, if you’re such an expert, you can go first.” Wynonna gestured at the bottom rung. 

“I call second.” Waverly chirped up.

Nicole steeled her expression, grabbed the ladder, and started to climb. Waverly followed close behind. Very close behind. 

“Are you ok there?” Waverly asked, as they began. She brought out her third hand to spot Nicole. “I’ve got you if you fall.” 

“Waverly, I know how to climb a ladder.” Nicole said. She was tired of everyone underestimating her. “And unless you’re planning on becoming my gynecologist, you don’t need to hold me there.” 

“Sorry,” Waverly laughed nervously. “My third hand is like a dog’s tail. It has a mind of its own. And when it sees something it likes, it doesn’t want to wait.”

“Yeah, well, now it’s up my shirt.” 

“Oh geez,” Waverly grabbed the errant hand and shoved it into a pocket. “I never can keep track of it.” 

 

The rest of the climb went smoothly. Once they were all at the top, Jeremy pulled out the dresses from his backpack. “We should put these on, just in case we run into any Vogons.”

“TOO LATE.” A deep, wet voice slowly drawled out. 

The team turned to find three creatures that resembled giant potatoes, only more glutinous, with comically thin legs and arms. What wasn’t comical was the phaser each one held and pointed at the group.

“Vogons, I hate these guys.” Said Jeremy. 

“Can it, Indiana.” Wynonna said out of the side of her mouth. Then with a cocky smirk, she addressed the lead Vogon. “Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz. When did they let you out of prison? I heard you were a bad boy, reading poetry again.” 

“Heh heh heh. You haven’t heard anything yet.” The words oozed from his mouth. “I found a new poem.” His lips curled back over his green teeth in a hideous grin. “I’ve been wanting to try it out on someone, and it looks like today’s your lucky day.”

“That’s ok, I got enough in high school.” Said Wynonna. 

Nicole glanced at Waverly and Jeremy. They both looked really scared. 

“Tie them up.” Prostetnic commanded, and the other two Vogons lumbered over on their thin legs. They tied up the group and sat them down in a row.

“Are you ready for your poetry reading?” Prostetnic asked with a sneer, pulling a single sheet of paper out from its holster. 

It should be mentioned that Vogon poetry is commonly thought to be the worst in the galaxy. I know other books list it as third worst, but according to this narrator, the worst poetry is that of the Vogons. 

Wynonna, Waverly, and Jeremy all braced themselves for the start of the poem. 

Nicole looked around at them, thoroughly confused. “How bad can it be?” She asked.

Through gritted teeth, Waverly quickly said, “I heard a kid once stumbled across a single line on the internet, and his brain fell out of his nose.”

“That bad.” Nicole sounded impressed.

“So what’s this one about?” Asked Wynonna, trying to be braver than she felt. “Your boogers?”

“This one isn’t mine.” His sneer turned debauched. “I hear it was written by an eighth grader.” 

“Shit.” Wynonna swore. “Pre-teen angst poetry, there’s nothing worse than that.”

Prostetnic coughed up a large wad of phlegm as he laughed, held the paper up to his squinty eyes, and began to read.

“Losing Myself

I see her in my dreams  
And talk to her with my thoughts.  
She is as near to me as ever,  
Yet as far away as possible.” 

Nicole looked around her. Wynonna strained against her bonds, crying out in pain, while Waverly blew out quick breaths of air like she was trying to give birth. Jeremy was slumped over, already unconscious. His pants were smoking. 

“In my dreams I reach out to hold her hand,  
But she vanishes away like a piece of dust in the air…”

“Hey wait a minute,” the narrator cut in. “Where did you get that poem? That sounds like one I wrote back in junior high.”

Prostetnic laughed. “Your mother.” 

“MOM!” Yelled the narrator. “Damn it. She always keeps everything.” 

“Shall I continue?” Prostetnic threatened. 

“Fine,” said the narrator, “but you won’t get away with this.”

“I cry out her name…” Prostetnic picked up right where he left off.

Suddenly, an explosion rang out and Prostetnic burst like a slime filled balloon in an oddly satisfying pop. Standing behind the puddle of sludge formerly known as Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, and holding a very big gun, was none other than John Henry “Doc” Holliday. 

“I think we have heard quite enough of that poem.” He said around a tooth pick pinned between his teeth. He adjusted his hat on his head and winked cheekily at Wynonna tied up on the ground. The other two Vogons high-tailed it out of there, as fast as their little legs could carry them, before Doc could even make the command. 

 

After the team was untied and Jeremy revived, Wynonna threw her arms around Doc’s neck and gave him a long hug. When she leaned back she slapped him hard on the shoulder. 

“Where have you been this whole story?” She demanded.

“My dear, you know me, I like to make an entrance.” Doc said, with his southern accent dripping from the words.

“Well better late than never. I hear there is a huge stash of Bentrin nearby.” Wynonna said, gripping his arm.

“I heard the same thing.” Doc said. This made Wynonna smile. “It is said that great minds do think alike.” As they started to walk off, Doc leaned into Wynonna and asked, “where, pray tell, did you get the pet?”

“Jesus Christ! I look exactly like you!” Nicole threw her hands in the air.

 

The group took off for the hills surrounding the cliff wall. Waverly’s third hand insisted on holding Nicole’s again, but now that they were out of danger, the gesture felt comforting. Nicole smiled down at Waverly. She was ready for a little normalcy. 

They were just cresting the top of the hill, the light from the twin suns breaking over their heads, when they stumbled upon a small field of green stalks. 

“Holy shit, look at all that!” Wynonna exclaimed. 

Nicole wrinkled her brow, but before she could ask her question, Waverly let go of her hand. Both she and her sister ran full tilt down the hill and into the field. 

The rest of the group followed behind. 

When they caught up to the sisters, Wynonna had already broken off a part of the stalk and pulled back the leaves to expose the heart of the plant.

“Corn?” Nicole asked, dismayed. “We came all the way out here for corn?”

“Not corn.” Explained Jeremy. “Bentrin. The perfect technology. There are hundreds of pieces per ear alone.”

Wynonna broke off the outer leaves to fully expose the kernels. “And you know what they make? Whiskey. All 800 beautiful clitorisisses.” Wynonna stopped and wrinkled her brow.

“Clitorii?” Offered Waverly.

“Whatever, it’s ours. Grab as many ears as you can carry, then we’re out of here.”

The rest of the team set to work, but Nicole stood stock still.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me.” She said.

Everyone turned to look at her. 

“You’re all going ape-shit over corn? There are fields of this stuff on Earth. In fact, the entire State of Nebraska is nothing but corn.” 

“Who what now?” Wynonna asked, then turned on Jeremy. “Did you know about this?”

“Don’t look at me, I was stuck in a computer lab the whole time. How would I know what they have there? I wasn’t even sure Nebraska was real.”

 

By nightfall, the gang was walking through Nicole’s front door. The large space port was parked behind the house and camouflaged under a tarp. 

Wynonna and Doc had taken a bottle of whiskey and disappeared into the guest-room. Jeremy passed out on the couch. 

Nicole curled around Waverly’s small frame on her bed. They were both so exhausted that they didn’t bother changing out of their clothes. 

As Nicole closed her eyes, a broad smile grew across her face. She had the cute girl from the party spooned up in her arms, and a country full of the best technology in the galaxy at her fingertips. All in all, it was a good day.

She felt like she could sleep for a decade. Nicole yawned and pulled Waverly in close, then felt herself drift off. She proved herself worthy and she didn’t even need a dress to do it. 

“Waverly,” she said sleepily. “Watch the hand.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you DreadPirateBrown for the looksie.


End file.
